NYC

I had seven faces
Thought I knew which one to wear
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care
The subway is a porno
The pavements, they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed
But

New York cares


I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed

It is up to me now, turn on the bright lights

one night to speed up truth

I wish I could go back in time. Not to anything too distant. Just...April of last year? See, the thing is this. I'm probably the only person left really that believes quite so strongly in the chaos theory. Better known as the butterfly effect.

And I spend too much of my time wondering what would have happened if maybe I hadn't done this, or rather I would have done any small detail differently. It's a bad way to live.

I'm starting to have this mindset about school, and I'm like well fuck, I'm already going to TCC my first two years. Why even try junior year? I know I can slack around and probably keep it at a B average relatively easily. I do try at tech. Then I think, why am I going to TCC? And I realize it's so I don't leave you. You is a million different people.

So I'm going to do this shitty thing I hate, and name drop here. Grizzly Bear: Your songs are fucking amazing. Mainly instrumentals. Jay-z even likes them for Christ's sake. I get really into one band for however long. That's it.

(while I'm at it, I'll name some individuals too, just get it done all at once, KELSEY 1, KELSEY 2, AMANDA, you that doesn't read my blog and i'm sad)

When I read (THE) Catcher in the Rye, I completely hated it. I said to everyone that this little asshole just goes around complaining about everyone that is just like him. And he's holding out for something so unstable. 

Then it came to me, I hate it because that's exactly how I am. The only time I'll admit to it. 

I'm going to

Someday, I'll write this amazing script.
The opening will not be in a therapist's office.
The characters will be easily liked.
Or...I'll just write a documentary.

I think I pick the wrong times to write. They all come out about relationships in some weird way. Well, not my newest one.

Someday, I'll be an adult and won't have to worry about this.
Someone will hire me because I'm not a minor.

This post is honestly just like about my goals or something I guess. I'm tired of posting shit about her. I'm done with it.
I sit in my room and stay up late watching movies made on really low budgets by people that were like me, just wanting to make something. I wake up early because my bed's kept where the sun hits my face every morning at 7.30. I'm not complaining. I hate feeling like I sleep too much. I listen to bands I'm almost positive the majority of people in my town haven't heard of. Weekends are spent like this: waking up, drinking coffee and watching TV, shower, wanting to hang out and my mom saying "No, not this weekend", and just doing whatever.
I miss the cold. I miss shit freshman year, yeah, as much as I just LOVE this Owasso place. Not. Hahaha.

I don't want to let you go

but it hurts my hands to hold the rope.

I'm sick of fucking up my own life for you. I know things won't have some happy ending. I honestly don't even feel like there is any feeling I do have for you. CALLOUS. That's what I feel. Numb. Comfortably..of course.

So I fucked up today and decided I'd stop being a goody for once. You brought me lunch. You waited for my late tech bus. But I'm done.
I know there's love. I mean I know it exists. I just don't think I can believe that you love me. You love the idea of me and the fact that I'm a huge challenge. Challenges like me stopping wanting to do "bad" things, not believing in God, not wanting to drive that badly, being not open.

I don't know. Fuck it all.

Today was the oddest day I've had in a while. I had a substitute in tech which meant we went into the editing rooms and did nothing all day. So we all kind of bonded and talked about shit from like bone cancer to what we want to do as adults. School. That's just..school. I got detention. Then I went to Tulsa with my sister.
I saw someone I really missed! Now we have matching bracelets!!! I had sushi.

The End