I wish I could say I have no regrets

I don't know what to do. I keep just pushing everything aside. Apathy can't be a solution.

NYC

I had seven faces
Thought I knew which one to wear
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care
The subway is a porno
The pavements, they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed
But

New York cares


I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed

It is up to me now, turn on the bright lights

one night to speed up truth

I wish I could go back in time. Not to anything too distant. Just...April of last year? See, the thing is this. I'm probably the only person left really that believes quite so strongly in the chaos theory. Better known as the butterfly effect.

And I spend too much of my time wondering what would have happened if maybe I hadn't done this, or rather I would have done any small detail differently. It's a bad way to live.

I'm starting to have this mindset about school, and I'm like well fuck, I'm already going to TCC my first two years. Why even try junior year? I know I can slack around and probably keep it at a B average relatively easily. I do try at tech. Then I think, why am I going to TCC? And I realize it's so I don't leave you. You is a million different people.

So I'm going to do this shitty thing I hate, and name drop here. Grizzly Bear: Your songs are fucking amazing. Mainly instrumentals. Jay-z even likes them for Christ's sake. I get really into one band for however long. That's it.

(while I'm at it, I'll name some individuals too, just get it done all at once, KELSEY 1, KELSEY 2, AMANDA, you that doesn't read my blog and i'm sad)

When I read (THE) Catcher in the Rye, I completely hated it. I said to everyone that this little asshole just goes around complaining about everyone that is just like him. And he's holding out for something so unstable. 

Then it came to me, I hate it because that's exactly how I am. The only time I'll admit to it. 

I'm going to

Someday, I'll write this amazing script.
The opening will not be in a therapist's office.
The characters will be easily liked.
Or...I'll just write a documentary.

I think I pick the wrong times to write. They all come out about relationships in some weird way. Well, not my newest one.

Someday, I'll be an adult and won't have to worry about this.
Someone will hire me because I'm not a minor.

This post is honestly just like about my goals or something I guess. I'm tired of posting shit about her. I'm done with it.
I sit in my room and stay up late watching movies made on really low budgets by people that were like me, just wanting to make something. I wake up early because my bed's kept where the sun hits my face every morning at 7.30. I'm not complaining. I hate feeling like I sleep too much. I listen to bands I'm almost positive the majority of people in my town haven't heard of. Weekends are spent like this: waking up, drinking coffee and watching TV, shower, wanting to hang out and my mom saying "No, not this weekend", and just doing whatever.
I miss the cold. I miss shit freshman year, yeah, as much as I just LOVE this Owasso place. Not. Hahaha.

I don't want to let you go

but it hurts my hands to hold the rope.

I'm sick of fucking up my own life for you. I know things won't have some happy ending. I honestly don't even feel like there is any feeling I do have for you. CALLOUS. That's what I feel. Numb. Comfortably..of course.

So I fucked up today and decided I'd stop being a goody for once. You brought me lunch. You waited for my late tech bus. But I'm done.
I know there's love. I mean I know it exists. I just don't think I can believe that you love me. You love the idea of me and the fact that I'm a huge challenge. Challenges like me stopping wanting to do "bad" things, not believing in God, not wanting to drive that badly, being not open.

I don't know. Fuck it all.

Today was the oddest day I've had in a while. I had a substitute in tech which meant we went into the editing rooms and did nothing all day. So we all kind of bonded and talked about shit from like bone cancer to what we want to do as adults. School. That's just..school. I got detention. Then I went to Tulsa with my sister.
I saw someone I really missed! Now we have matching bracelets!!! I had sushi.

The End

And if you gaze for long into an abyss,

the abyss gazes also into you.

This is a good thing. I feel better living where I do now. Not in a sense that my new place is better/worse. People like to feel connected, and I'm no different.

Thus far, my fall break has been spent in Arkansas. I had a lot more fun there than I had originally thought that I would. I wanted to stay here, in Owasso, and hang out with people. But the thing is if I had I know that I would have done the same thing I always do and not have gone anywhere.

I don't know what you feel like, but I do know my own feelings. I miss being in control of these situations and always being like, I know what is going to happen, but how often does anyone really ever know? Right now there are things that I wouldn't like to see happen. That is selfishness, and I'm aware. At the same time I feel like i don't care what necessarily happens, I just want to know that it has.

If that makes any sense to anyone at all.

Build A Wall Of Books Between Us.

Today was one of the weirdest days I've experienced in a while. Everyone was in a odd mood from the cold weather. The all around "school day" was alright. After school...not so much.
No more yelling fights in high school parking lots.
No more jealousy for no reason.
No more wasting my time.
I'm feeling optimistic about my grades, at least. I find myself wishing i could transfer this optimism into some other realm of my life.
I don't see what it is about me that makes me compare everything. Now, this isn't to say like i compare myself. But I get so frustrated. I'm a little sad I didn't pick the EDGE contest as my commercial thing for tech. Instead I chose to make a public service announcement. I hate that I am unintentionally like that.
I don't know what I want.

Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew.

I pray to god you won't

come back here anymore.
Do you pray with him, too?

This has been one fucking crazy week. I feel like I'm never going to move away. Everytime we're almost set on a place, my mom changes her mind. It's driving me nuts.
Despite me trying in school, it seems like I can't get my grades up. I make stupid mistakes that cost big.
I feel like this year is like me walking in the fog. I can't see what's right in front of me and when I turn around, I know something is behind me, but I'm missing that too.

Then, it hit me.

(WRITTEN ON SATURDAY)

          Last night was a hard night for me. I realized something big. Well, mostly...don't do something you've been contemplating/ dreading for around 3 or so months and then afterwards, go to a huge social event. Right, I went to the game immediately following. I don't know how to describe how I feel right now. It's a funny thing when your own actions shock you. I'm finding that that's happening a lot to me. And it's scary. I'm not the same as I was in June, that's long time, sure. But then again it really isn't. Everyday I'm changing. Nothing is constant.
         I look for consistency in relationships, something I know in the back of my head that I shouldn't be doing. I try to think of what happened to make my life this way. Not in a sad way, just in a what the fuck happened kind of way.

Like I said, I make no sense.

I got one.

Really, I'm just sick of posting long, and probably not often read bulletins. But this is like people actually make the effort themselves to come and check it out. That's what I like. I'll figure everything out and post more shit later.